I first heard this song in my car. I was in a parking lot, just trying to go through the motions of life. But really, I had recently been in the darkest depression of my life. I was suicidal and had even spent a few days in the hospital. A few people knew, but most people only thought I was sick or struggling with MS or other problems again.
I hated having to go through life like there wasn’t this GIANT change in me. Everyone kept looking at me like I was the same me. They had all these expectations that I just COULD NOT do or give. Not that in reality they expected me to do anything. I’ve been careful about my boundaries since my MS diagnosis in 2019. But, they just didn’t know that I was so fragile. That I needed extra care. They thought I was “normal” and I didn’t know if I would ever be normal again.
I didn’t know how to get back to how I used to be before I let the darkness swallow me. My therapist told me I’d get there one day. My pastor told me that I could just let go of my burdens. None of it made any sense. I struggled with deep shame. How could I go from such a mess to a happy, emotionally, mentally stable person again?
I didn’t even understand how it happened or why. What did I do or not do? I had done therapy before. I was on medication for depression. I really didn’t have any anxiety for over a year…until suddenly I had more anxiety than I ever had before in my life. It all felt like it came out of nowhere and I couldn’t do anything about it. It felt like a never-ending viscous circle in my head. There was no calm or peace.
This song saved me. I didn’t even catch the whole thing the first time. I caught the final chorus but it spoke to me. I pulled it up on my phone and was blown away by the rest of the lyrics. I just did what it said to do. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths. I prayed that I would see light, that I could close the door on the past, that I didn’t have to live there anymore.
I can’t say that very first day I knew that I’d be ok. But one day, not too much later, I began to see how far I had come. It gave me hope that I would continue to heal and knew that one day things would be “normal” again.
I share all this in case it can help someone else. If you need something to take you out of the focus on your anxiety and depression, meditate on this song. Pray for peace and grace. Take step one. Your journey isn’t over, it’s just begun!
Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.
2 Corinthians 5:17
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again
Rose Fairbanks 