This post is long overdue. It’s not that I’ve been avoiding it, but it’s been a struggle to get any consistent work time this year and writing stories always comes first. This is going to be a long one, so buckle up.

A few years ago, I made this post saying that I was doing a rebrand and focusing on inspirational or encouraging themes. I think I have done that, but it hasn’t really satisfied the call in my heart. So, I started a new pen name and began writing Christian fiction. There have been a lot of twists and turns on that path and thus far, I haven’t published anything.

Last fall, I decided to start working on a new JAFF for a brain break. Inspiration struck for Restored and after a five-year hiatus, I was finally able to finish it! Without intention, it had strong Christian themes. I knew all along that the trope would be a prodigal son returning home. However, I didn’t realize until it happened on the page that the only thing that would really solve Sam’s conflict was fully committing to following Jesus. He had tried to just be a better person, and it only made his life more complicated.

In November, I participated in a writing marathon with an online group called Christian Mommy Writers. I worked on The Secrets of Donwell Abbey, an Emma variation and part of the Men of Austen series which began with The Secrets of Pemberley. It’s entirely from Mr. Knightley’s point of view and, again, unexpectedly Christ was the answer to Knightley’s problem. It’s set at Christmas, and I plan to publish it this fall.

Restored’s release was delayed until February of this year. I knew sales would not be great because of its content, that it’s about an original character, and that it’s part of a series that hasn’t had a new release in many years. I learned long ago that JAFF readers primarily are interested in Darcy and Elizabeth’s courtship and variations of the original. I expect even worse results for The Secrets of Donwell Abbey.

Around the time of Restored’s release, I asked on social media if readers would like to see more Christian JAFF content from me. I floated the idea if I should use a new pen name for it. I insisted that I did not think *every* JAFF book I wrote would need to be Christian. I planned to take it case by case.

At the time, I was not working on another JAFF. However, I began a Darcy and Lizzy variation in the late Spring and as Summer has progressed, it has emerged as Christian fiction.

Additionally, I have felt convicted to edit my backlist. There are scenes which I’m no longer proud of. I had begun doing this in a minimal way in 2019. As I picked it up again, I’m realizing more and more that what I always wanted to write was Jesus transforming people. There are so many times when I get so close to saying it on the page, but I held back. As of right now, I’m no longer certain that I cannot include that element in future books. There will be more sprinkles of faith as I edit my backlist. For most of my works, no changes to the plot will be necessary, but there are a few where I will need to make significant alterations.

All of this to say, I wanted to address why. What has changed in me? Have I become a religious fanatic?

No. I am embracing who I’ve always been. I’m finally doing what I have long felt called to do.

I’m a conservative non-denominational Christian. I won’t go into more detail than that here and will continue my general policy to not directly comment on politics. Despite differing with many Christians on doctrine, I look at them all as my brothers and sisters in Christ. I won’t be condemning and criticizing anyone for believing differently than me.

Additionally, I am not saying that every believing writer needs to produce only Christian Fiction, the same goes for any other creative work. God uses some to witness by living a sermon. I know several authors who are firm believers and write love and grace into every book but publish as general market. I realize that writing Christian fiction is probably not going to reach unbelievers. I pray that it encourages those that do believe, though. I think that maybe that’s my calling…for now, at least.

To be clear, I am assuredly not in a position to throw any stones and cast judgment. Despite my firm beliefs, I compromised for popularity and money. I rationalized that I could write increasingly graphic romance scenes because I was married and merely imagined my husband. I was not fantasizing about other men. I wrote for adult women, most of whom are also married. And if they thought of other men, that was not my fault or problem. I created my own “rules.” No sex on the page. Eventually, with a different pen name, that changed to no premarital sex for my characters, but I didn’t shy away from lots of on-page foreplay and sex scenes after marriage. Of course, that mindset trickled into my Rose Fairbanks pen name.

It’s probably easy for others to see the slippery slope I was on and how far I had strayed from my beliefs. Would I condone anyone else doing these things in person? No, I would never say that was good. But, I was writing fiction and being honest about the struggle many people face. Additionally, from the books that I had read, it did not seem possible to develop well-rounded, flawed characters who tap deeply into human emotion and then shut the door on certain scenes or feelings. I justified it in so many ways.

Here’s what I can confess now. I was influenced by a spirit of lust. I am not sure when exactly it started, but I thank God that it did not take me further down the path that so many wind up on. I never viewed pornography…but I was pretty close to being addicted to erotic novels.

I could explain all the reasons why I was deceived. I could defend myself and say that even while I failed there, the Lord was dealing with me on other things. During the very time that I struggled the most with writing these things (2016-2019), God was opening my eyes to deeper issues. Which is really where the problem lay. Sex sells. I needed the money but more importantly, I needed the validation and acceptance I experienced from sales.

I had a personal faith revival in early 2020. You may have guessed it from other posts and my books, but I grew up in a very toxic environment. It wasn’t until my children began to grow and I saw my family treating them the same way that I realized how wrong it all was. It suddenly felt like my eyes were opened and I was left wondering what was right and what was abuse. It all came to a head in 2018 and continued through 2019.

By the end of that year, I was willing to lay aside all my pride and confess my sins if only I could know Truth and feel close to God again. In generic terms, God showed me Truth and essentially said, “Get back in line!”

A few months later, Covid began and things that I had always heard as prophecy were now in the world news, solidifying my beliefs even more. Despite immediately feeling called to write in the Christian market, I tried to negotiate with God. I continued to keep quiet about things, not wanting to rock the boat. It was just being respectful if I could keep my private beliefs private. I could write “clean” not spicy things and fit what I believed God commands. Serving God did not have to infuse everything I did. I didn’t need to alienate anyone and if I wrote clearly about Jesus (as opposed to just sharing about Him on social media) then that would be offensive, and I’d lose readers. I couldn’t “shine a light” for Him then.

After months of feeling a call to write Christian material, I told God I would after the next book or once I made a certain amount. I would do it when I was in the right place mentally and financially. Slowly, I began to see that there was never a time it was going to work without taking a risk. Eventually, inspiration began to dry up and so did sales. I ended up having nothing to lose.

So, then I wrote Christian fiction—terrified the whole time. I looked at it like a checklist. Write this book/series and then I can go back to JAFF and pay my bills. Once I was finally at the point where I was willing to give up JAFF entirely, is when I began to have inspiration again. Eventually, God directed me back to JAFF but has shown me that I can write JAFF as Christian Fiction. I don’t know if that will equate to sales, but I know His voice and leading enough now to know it’s of Him.

I am now writing out of pure love. I have always been the obsessive sort that will share and talk about things that interest me. As my faith has increased, my desire to share about God has too. Now, the topics of faith bubble out from me without effort.

I can no longer move forward without addressing the past. I’m at the place now where I am tired of hiding. I am tired of timidly whispering, “This is what I believe.” I am no longer afraid. My God can defend and support me. I am tired of the mental somersaults I have had to do to not write about Jesus. I am through caring if I lose readers. I would rather have one reader who really liked what I liked to write than water things down to appeal to the masses.

I realize it is different for so many believers, but, for me, keeping Jesus out of my books has resulted in compromising with sin. I never want to do that again.

In short, I apologize to readers for leading people, potentially thousands, astray. I misused the gift God gave me. I have faith that God will use this for His glory somehow. I can stand as a testimony of His redeeming grace and love. No matter how far you’ve gone or what you’ve done, you can be forgiven and are loved.

If you have any questions or would like to discuss this more, email me at rose@rosefairbanks.com. If you are a reader who has decided that I am no longer for you, then I still pray good things for you.

A Letter in the Wind, a Christian-themed instalment in the Mayhem and Scandal series, will begin posting on Patreon with excerpts here and elsewhere.

Much love and God bless,

Rose